Baby Braden Petska

Friday, April 17, 2009

One month......

Dear B,
The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the daffodils are in bloom, yet my heart still aches for the longing of your joyful spirit as your existence created a part of us we never knew could exist. I often think of that quote, "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." You truly created this part of us that made us constantly question, "What did we do with our time before you were born? How would we ever go on without you?" I guess those are answers we're slowly finding out, but not enjoying as we try to find out how we exactly fit into this new life. It seems I continue to question "why" and as odd as it may sound, I still feel like I continue to hold onto this false hope that you will somehow return to us as if this all never happened. Oh B, please understand we only feel this empty because you filled our hearts and lives with this incredible and indescribable amount of love that is irreplacable. We pray you are safe and loved as much and even more than we could provide for you here on earth.

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your mommy and daddy

Dear faithful blog followers,
Thank you for encouragement to write as we continue to grieve. I know for me it helps to get some things off of my chest.....writing helps. I also know that I need to create my own journal with some thoughts I choose not to share on the blog as writing is a form of healing that I hope could eventually dull the pain. There is a dark side of grief that holds a depth so powerful and so sharp, no one should ever have to endure the heartache and void it leaves. There are the "screaming with anger moments," the many "why" and "how" questions, and the lurking emptiness that is still too fresh to share. I will try to continue to publicly share my heart when my moments of strength poke through the pain. Until then, please continue to pray for our strength. We can feel God's touch and grip even through the roughest moments. Thank you for your continued support and reaching out in various ways to let us know how much you care.

Love Steph and Rich

Sunday, April 12, 2009

It’s a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels say to Jesus "I don’t want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you." He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that he is just going for a visit. He is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?” The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work.” But the little angel is still a little scared. He asks, "Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies, "Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine.” Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan and says, "When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart. Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh every day, and when it’s time to come back to heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves."

Happy Easter B! We missed you today more than you'll ever know. We can only imagine that heaven woke up with your voice full of excitement as white fluffy bunnies, yellow daffadils, colorful Easter eggs, and of course chocolate (your favorite) surrounded your presence. If only our tears on earth were enough to bring you back. We hold you closer than ever to our hearts knowing we're one day closer to seeing your bright blue eyes and radiant smile once again.

All our love,
Your mommy and daddy

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Precious Moments

Dear B,
Sigh....I don't even know where to're the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last vision I have just before I close my eyes. I guess selfishly I really want you to somehow reach out to us or come back like none of this has all happened. I long and yearn for your physical last hug, one last kiss, one last snuggle, one last time I could read your favorite book or tuck you into bed. Two weeks is just too long and yet I'm scared as to how I will feel days and even weeks from now as I can't imagine you being away from us any longer than you already have been. You existed in every part of this house, so I can only imagine you playing, laughing, running, dancing.... You were the center of our world, our sunshine, the core of our laughter, and our desire to awake each day. I know you are being well taken care of from above, but I'm really sad that someone else has taken over for us. Are you playing trucks; are you singing Johny Cash or your dinosaur song; are you watching your MONSTER DVD's; are you playing with Diego and Dora; are you snuggling with blanky and doggy? These are all questions I wish could be answered as my heart hurts to know you are so far away. I try to rock in your rocking chair, read to you, and hold the clothes you once wore just to feel apart of you again. Daddy and I will eventually be okay, but know we will never be the same after loving you, caring for you, knowing you, and sadly losing you. Please know our arms are open if you ever want to stop by for a hug.

Loving you and holding you closer than ever to our hearts,

Below is a link to our dear friend and photographer's (Kim Youra) blog. She posted a slideshow - "Braden's Life in Pictures". You will need to copy and paste the link to view it.