Baby Braden Petska

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Where are you Christmas?

Dear B,
Has it really been 9 months? Did another month without you really pass us by? It still doesn't seem real, although it feels like you've been away from us forever. I dream about you - I feel it when I awake, but for the life of me I cannot remember the dream. I so badly want that feeling of knowing when, how, and where I held you again, even if it was a dream....

Tonight I showed Owen your favorite Christmas book, Can You See What I See? The Night Before Christmas. I remembered how you would look at that book for what seemed like hours pointing out all the things you recognized and could name. As I turned the pages, I couldn't help but feel a wrinkle in the page or a warn mark in the book, for I know it was you who last touched it, it was you who made that distinguishing mark. I'm finding myself doing this lately - touching things you last touched just so I can someway, somehow feel your presence again. I sit here once again blinded by tears as I can't help but think of last year and all the things we did to mark new traditions with you....seeing Santa, Trees on Parade, the Christmas parade, making your first gingerbread house, and falling in love with the twinkling of Christmas lights. I can't help but hear your voice in my head saying, "Christmas lights mama, Christmas lights." The one house with the snowman doesn't have his up this year - I was almost tempted to go knock on his door and explain how much joy you received when he had his up through February. I chickened out.

I must share with you how Santa made a special stop here for Owen last weekend. He knew what a special boy you were and missed seeing you this year at the Firehouse. He knows how extra special Owen has been, and had to make a special trip on the firetruck to come see your brother. Your dad and I thought that was super. You would be so proud of Owen. He's getting bigger by the minute, he has his first tooth, eats like a champ, is sitting up on his own, plays peek-a-boo, and squeals with excitement in his jump-a-roo. I often wonder what you would say to him...I look at him and wonder if he will itch his nose exactly like you did...just one of the many things I ponder...sigh....

The stars that shine brightly in the sky, the extra pink streaks as the sun rises, a bird soaring above, a nest balancing on a tree limb, a gentle breeze that touches my cheek......signs you are near....signs you are present....always reminding me to "look","pay attention", and notice God's creations.

Always on our minds, forever locked in our hearts, and holding you closer than ever my sweet, precious little boy,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
Not much to say - my heart is heavier than ever, and...well...that weight can be a burden to bear. We continue to ask for your prayers as we gently embrace another "first" with our Owen and yet another without our B.

Below is one of another amazing moments Kim has captured.

Embrace your loved ones extra tight this holiday season,