Baby Braden Petska

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Where are you Christmas?

Dear B,
Has it really been 9 months? Did another month without you really pass us by? It still doesn't seem real, although it feels like you've been away from us forever. I dream about you - I feel it when I awake, but for the life of me I cannot remember the dream. I so badly want that feeling of knowing when, how, and where I held you again, even if it was a dream....

Tonight I showed Owen your favorite Christmas book, Can You See What I See? The Night Before Christmas. I remembered how you would look at that book for what seemed like hours pointing out all the things you recognized and could name. As I turned the pages, I couldn't help but feel a wrinkle in the page or a warn mark in the book, for I know it was you who last touched it, it was you who made that distinguishing mark. I'm finding myself doing this lately - touching things you last touched just so I can someway, somehow feel your presence again. I sit here once again blinded by tears as I can't help but think of last year and all the things we did to mark new traditions with you....seeing Santa, Trees on Parade, the Christmas parade, making your first gingerbread house, and falling in love with the twinkling of Christmas lights. I can't help but hear your voice in my head saying, "Christmas lights mama, Christmas lights." The one house with the snowman doesn't have his up this year - I was almost tempted to go knock on his door and explain how much joy you received when he had his up through February. I chickened out.

I must share with you how Santa made a special stop here for Owen last weekend. He knew what a special boy you were and missed seeing you this year at the Firehouse. He knows how extra special Owen has been, and had to make a special trip on the firetruck to come see your brother. Your dad and I thought that was super. You would be so proud of Owen. He's getting bigger by the minute, he has his first tooth, eats like a champ, is sitting up on his own, plays peek-a-boo, and squeals with excitement in his jump-a-roo. I often wonder what you would say to him...I look at him and wonder if he will itch his nose exactly like you did...just one of the many things I ponder...sigh....

The stars that shine brightly in the sky, the extra pink streaks as the sun rises, a bird soaring above, a nest balancing on a tree limb, a gentle breeze that touches my cheek......signs you are near....signs you are present....always reminding me to "look","pay attention", and notice God's creations.

Always on our minds, forever locked in our hearts, and holding you closer than ever my sweet, precious little boy,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
Not much to say - my heart is heavier than ever, and...well...that weight can be a burden to bear. We continue to ask for your prayers as we gently embrace another "first" with our Owen and yet another without our B.

Below is one of another amazing moments Kim has captured.

Embrace your loved ones extra tight this holiday season,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love to you three here on earth and little B in heaven, this holiday season, Steph.

9:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too remember B's favorite Christmas book! He would come find me and say "Auntie Marci....what are we gonna find?" (in his squeaky little voice) And so I would spot something for him to find and within a few scans of the page he would find what we were looking for! He never let me down with those eagle eyes of his!
I'm looking forward to sharing this special book with Owen when he's a little older!

Missing you more and more each day

Auntie Marci

2:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What has been particularly hard for me is seeing the Christmas Lights. Every single time I see them I hear this excited voice;in my head,sometimes yelling if he doesn't think you are listening; CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!! Hopefully, next year Owen can share in the joy of the season and I will get all the decorations out again. Missing my B more & more everyday.

Love your Grandma P.

8:15 AM  
Blogger Jer, Kari, Alayna-Maria said...

Oh Little B, how your mama needs your presence this week! Shine your light extra bright.!
Jer once asked in a letter to his brother, "Which star is your playground?" I wish so very much we could know where to look in the vast night sky for your litle man's light.
Steph, I don't know how you will get through this week.. how does one survive the greatest unfairness of all great unfairnesses? but somehow you will...and we will be here listening, even when it is to hard to write, we can hear that too.
Love, Hugs and Prayers to you and Rich...

8:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found this poem and thought of you. I hope you can find some strength in it. I will send you a hard copy as well. You and your family are deeply in our thoughts this holiday season. Much love,
Kelly Vitaioli and family

Spending Christmas with Jesus poem

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lightls like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But earthly music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it's beyond description
To hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
Trust God and have no fear
For I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

I can't tell you of the splendor
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you imagine Christmas
With our Savior, face to face?

May God uplift your spirit
As I tell Him of your love
Then pray for one another
As you lift your eyes above.

So let your hearts be joyful
And let your spirits sing
For I'm spending Christmas in Heaven
And I'm walking with the King!

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Petska Family,

Our family will be thinking of you this holiday season. I can't imagine how difficult it will be without your sweet Braden. I pray that you will find joy in celebrating it with little Owen.

Thinking of your family and remembering Braden.

The Laughlin Family

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your never far my thoughts. Reading your enteries always reminds me to never take for granted all that we have been blessed with. It will never be fair to know the loss you have in your heart..My prayer though for you is to recieve heavens peace and its message of hope this christmas season...God will not forsake you...he will not leave you...its now that he will lift you on his shoulders and carry you.

Tammy Tomomitsu

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you during this holiday season. May it be filled with joy from memories being made and memories from the past.
Anne Blaine

11:54 AM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I know you don't know me, but I think of you often and pray for all of you. So thankful you have Owen, and so sad that Braden is not here with you. Wishing peace for you in the New Year. Jennifer

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Think of you often, will continue to pray for you and your family. Wishing you a blessed New Year.
Becki Schmiegelt

2:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steph and Rich,

I came across a song that made me think of you. I am not sure if you have referred to it here previously (if so, I apologize). The song is “Get Me Through December” by Alison Krauss and can be found on YouTube. I know that getting through December was really rough for you and your families…if only your struggle was just one month to endure and move beyond. I hope that these words reach deeper for you.

Cousin Stacy

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild winter's day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Just get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Get me through December
So I can start again

8:49 PM  

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