Baby Braden Petska

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

3 Months......

I didn't know if I could or would write today, but I find myself once again drawn to a place that connects me with the one thing I miss the most in this world....a place I shed tears for the sadness that lies so heavily within....a place I hope and pray can someday bring me peace and comfort....a place I can only wish will lessen the burden of this grief someday. I find myself rereading my posts only to find that some may be scratching their heads wondering about this journey that seems to be the eternal road to "nowhere." That's what I feel like it is anyways. It's been three months and I still feel my head is spinning and I don't know what each day will bring emotionally. You see as weird as it might sound, denial is where our minds and hearts bring us, so we don't have to feel all the pain at once. I never understood the power of denial and disbelief until I walked this road myself. Those are the days I can actually get through unphased by the gaping hole in my life. Then there are the "holy shit this is real" days. I'm not a fan of those days, but I know it's all apart of the healing process. Those are the days in which the reality is staring you right in the face reminding you that it isn't a dream and that the one you loved the most is never coming more hugs, no more kisses, no more bed time stories, no more waffles on Saturday mornings, no more cartoons or late day pajama wearing days, no more bathtime..... The never evers and no mores are so incredibly unbearable. It brings an emptiness I wish could disappear. I look at Braden's pictures that held so much life and I just want to reach right in there and squeeze him, touch him, smell him, hold his hand, tickle his feet, and bring him back.


I'd also like to take the time share this blog with some charity moments. On Monday, we honored Braden by delivering more gift bags to the hospital. We were also able to make our annual donations to the Herma Heart Center and Ronald McDonald House. On our stop at CHW, we were able to visit the brand new hospital tower that holds the HHC. It's a beautiful facility, and it helped a little by being in a new, unfamiliar place. We were able to visit our nurse Carol, Dr. Cava, and Dr. Ghanayem. It was good to see all of them and go over everything that happened with Braden. Although the results of the autopsy were somewhat inconclusive, it seems that the doctors feel he suffered from a sudden heart arrythmia...something completely out of our control and with his heart structure, something his body couldn't overcome. As difficult as it was, it did provide us some closure and we were glad we chose this day (his surgery date) to visit.

Our charity golf outing is coming up and it will be on Saturday, August 15th. All details can be found on our website:

Thank you for all of your continued support and prayers. I'm not sure where we would be if it wasn't for the amazing amount of support we've received over the past three months from our family, friends, and people we've never met. We are also extremely grateful that we've received this little gift of life at this time in our lives. Through the stormiest days on this journey we're traveling, Owen provides us hope, many smiles, and lots of sunshine. He is truly a gift and our little miracle!

Happy Birthday to Auntie Marci. B would be loving the chocolate cake daddy made for her :)

Thanks for checking in,
God Bless, Steph and Rich


Blogger Dana said...

Sending you love and light!

10:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like always, thinking of you. Love and prayers.
Uncle Pete & auntie Irma

10:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As always, lots of love, hugs, thoughts and many prayers to all of you. I continue to think of Braden and all of you everyday. Thank you for continuing to write! I really enjoy hearing how you all are doing. Continue to keep your faith!
Hugs, Julia Steffens

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steph, just wanted you to know that I think of you, Rich, Braden and Owen so often and also your mom and dad. That denial you write about is an amazing thing, isn't it? When it happens, it's like a respite for your mind so that you can keep going when the reality hits. As my heart aches for you, I also smile when I hear about the joy and sunshine that Owen has brought to your lives. My love to all of you ~ Cousin Bonnie

6:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't scratch my head at all when I read your posts...I think it's so good that you're writing, Steph. You will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers, every day.


9:53 AM  
Blogger Jer, Kari, Alayna-Maria said...

I think that we all feel drawn back to this place too...searching for something, knowing we will not find answers that satisfy us...but there is a comfort in feeling a closeness to you and him trhough the gift of the blog.
We are still here, listening, grieving with you, and offering whatever comfort we can.
Take care,
Kari, Jer and Layna

11:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steph and Rich - I think of you guys every day. I continue to pray for your strength and comfort. I am happy to hear that Owen is ray of sunshine and looking forward to the 15th.

Bridget O'Meara

11:02 PM  
Blogger The Watson Family said...

The pics are absolutely AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I could just feel the love in the photos.
Thinking of you all...

Nicole Watson & the fam

8:40 AM  
Anonymous Suzanne Myers said...

Continuing to keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. I hope Owen is treating you well! He is a beautiful baby.

2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thinking of you always....sending my love and prayers too..I am back, lets get together soon:) I miss you!

4:31 PM  
Blogger Bill and Kris Tidd said...

We continue to think of you and pray for you often. A heart that holds so much grief and coupled with so much joy at the same time,must be overwhelming and difficult to handle. You are truly a gift from God to share this experience with others and to continue the fight for so many that also struggle with this heart condition!!

6:49 AM  
Anonymous ceida said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, always.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steph..I just read a book (in two days it was that good!)called "The Shack" its fiction, but has the most powerful christian message in it that I found myself thinking of so many people that have ever suffered loss might find meaningful. I know I was thinking of you when I read it.

Hugs to you my friend now and always.


9:08 PM  

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