3 Months......

I didn't know if I could or would write today, but I find myself once again drawn to a place that connects me with the one thing I miss the most in this world....a place I shed tears for the sadness that lies so heavily within....a place I hope and pray can someday bring me peace and comfort....a place I can only wish will lessen the burden of this grief someday. I find myself rereading my posts only to find that some may be scratching their heads wondering about this journey that seems to be the eternal road to "nowhere." That's what I feel like it is anyways. It's been three months and I still feel my head is spinning and I don't know what each day will bring emotionally. You see as weird as it might sound, denial is where our minds and hearts bring us, so we don't have to feel all the pain at once. I never understood the power of denial and disbelief until I walked this road myself. Those are the days I can actually get through unphased by the gaping hole in my life. Then there are the "holy shit this is real" days. I'm not a fan of those days, but I know it's all apart of the healing process. Those are the days in which the reality is staring you right in the face reminding you that it isn't a dream and that the one you loved the most is never coming back....no more hugs, no more kisses, no more bed time stories, no more waffles on Saturday mornings, no more cartoons or late day pajama wearing days, no more bathtime..... The never evers and no mores are so incredibly unbearable. It brings an emptiness I wish could disappear. I look at Braden's pictures that held so much life and I just want to reach right in there and squeeze him, touch him, smell him, hold his hand, tickle his feet, and bring him back.

Sigh...

I'd also like to take the time share this blog with some charity moments. On Monday, we honored Braden by delivering more gift bags to the hospital. We were also able to make our annual donations to the Herma Heart Center and Ronald McDonald House. On our stop at CHW, we were able to visit the brand new hospital tower that holds the HHC. It's a beautiful facility, and it helped a little by being in a new, unfamiliar place. We were able to visit our nurse Carol, Dr. Cava, and Dr. Ghanayem. It was good to see all of them and go over everything that happened with Braden. Although the results of the autopsy were somewhat inconclusive, it seems that the doctors feel he suffered from a sudden heart arrythmia...something completely out of our control and with his heart structure, something his body couldn't overcome. As difficult as it was, it did provide us some closure and we were glad we chose this day (his surgery date) to visit.

Our charity golf outing is coming up and it will be on Saturday, August 15th. All details can be found on our website: www.heartofgoldcharity.org

Thank you for all of your continued support and prayers. I'm not sure where we would be if it wasn't for the amazing amount of support we've received over the past three months from our family, friends, and people we've never met. We are also extremely grateful that we've received this little gift of life at this time in our lives. Through the stormiest days on this journey we're traveling, Owen provides us hope, many smiles, and lots of sunshine. He is truly a gift and our little miracle!

Happy Birthday to Auntie Marci. B would be loving the chocolate cake daddy made for her :)

Thanks for checking in,
God Bless, Steph and Rich