Baby Braden Petska

Monday, June 08, 2009

Bittersweet Moments........

Dear B,
I sit here and write with such a heavy heart and emptiness that still resides within. I feel as if the veil of denial has been lifted and I can no longer live there. This has been the toughest part as I think of you now more than ever and find myself grieving even the smallest joys you brought to our lives. Although it has been more and more apparent that you're not coming back, it's still so darn hard to come to grips that this is all real. It feels so cruel to think that a child can ever be taken away from his parents and yet we're living it each day. I hope and pray that this blog will continue to hold a purpose other than sharing just the sad moments I feel because I miss you so much....maybe when the pain isn't so sharp and fresh.

Owen is a little over a week old and has really added some much needed sunshine and life back into our days. I feel like I play a movie in my head of the big brother role you would've played when Owen arrived. I know you would've been the best big brother ever. I remember when you'd point at a baby on TV and say, "Look mama, that looks like the baby in your belly....he's so cuuuuute." You'd always ask when the baby was going to come out and play with your were so eager to share them.

A week from today would have been your Fontan, the last surgery that would've "corrected" your heart. It will be a bittersweet day as you are in a place now where there are no more surgeries or broken hearts yet it would've been a day that could've brought you more time with us here on earth. I look at my heart now just as yours was when God blessed us with your life. Part of my heart is broken and does not work like it should. I didn't know how I could love again with such emptiness. When Owen arrived, it was as if you helped my heart re-route itself so that it could offer love in another part of my heart. The broken piece may never be fixed, but my heart is now able to love again in a new way.

Holding you closer than ever to our hearts,
Your mama and dadda

Dear bloggers,
Life at home with a newborn is going really well. We couldn't have asked for a better baby as Owen really only squawks when he's being changed or is ready to eat (I'm knocking on wood as I type). He's eating like a champ and is having more and more awake time each day. We find ourselves just staring at him as he has been such a beatiful blessing and a precious gift granted to us from above. Since we didn't find out the sex of the baby before he was born, I knew that Owen's gift to us was planned long before Braden's passing. God has His purpose....we just wish we could know all of the reasons for His plans.

We had a newborn photo session today with Kim, so I'll be sure to post more pics when I write again.

Thank you for continuing to hold us close in prayer,
Love Steph and Rich


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ditto for me B on what Mama and Dadda said. I love you and miss you more and more each day. You would have been so excited about your baby brother. He is so cute!
Love your Grandma Lois

9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steph, Your words are so beautiful for such a bittersweet time in your life. We are all so happy that Owen has arrived and can not wait to meet him! But are still so saddened from your terrible loss. I pray every day for your strength. I love you and can't wait to see you on Friday! Jodi

2:57 PM  
Blogger Bill and Kris Tidd said...

Your new baby boy is absolutely beautiful!! Your mom has shared some of the photos. I know that Owen is a gift from God that will give you the strength to go on. I can picture him now asking questions about his brother and I know that this will help with the healing process and keep his memory alive. We look forward to meeting Owen.

9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats on little Owen. He is beautiful. We had a boy in April (our first) and I have to tell you that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of Braden, you and Rich. Becoming a parent gave me a new understanding of the depth of your loss and grief. Also, since becoming a mom, I now never forget to pray at night and I pray for you and Rich everyday. You are just so often in my thoughts. Your words on this blog have brought me to tears so many times and your love for B is so beautiful.Owen is a very lucky little man to have you as his mother. Keep writing. From conversations with people, I know many more people up here are reading than commenting and your B is continuing to touch so many people's lives.

Your old Y pal,

10:08 PM  
Anonymous Ceida said...

Dear Mr. & Mrs. Petska,

You both mean so much to me and as I was explaining to a friend yesterday, Braden has definitely changed my life. Your love for him are so unbelievable, I am speechless every time I read your letters to B.
Thank you so much for sharing all of these little things, it makes all of us open our eyes and understand situations that seem unimaginable.

Keeping your family in my prayers always and forever,

Ceida E.

11:08 PM  
Blogger The Watson Family said...

Congratulations on the arrival of your precious baby, Owen. He is just beautiful. You & Rich deserve happiness. You have so much love to give. There is no doubt that Braden is the best big brother ever. He will shine his love down; protecting, loving, smiling, always!

Love & HUGS always,
Nicole Watson

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Owen is absolutely beautiful and I hope he brings you comfort as well as joy. I think of you all often.

Rene (Daniels)

3:02 PM  

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