Baby Braden Petska

Friday, March 05, 2010

Unexpected Moments......

Every new day I hope to unravel a little bit more of the tangled mess, to make sense out of my/our new life, yet the day tends to unravel itself on its own, without me having a "say" in it. This can lead to unexpected moments when emotions arise and take over in an instant. The unpredictability...well, it's less than desirable.

Today I was caught off guard when I went to lunch with some co-worker friends. We sat next to a table that held a mom, grandma, baby, and a little boy. Although I've seen many toddler-aged children and have been able to disconnect myself, today it was very different. The little boy looked so much like Braden, and I couldn't help but glance over at him, many times, throughout the lunch. It wasn't until I got in the car did I lose it (sorry Melissa). The little boy was sitting in a booster, behaving himself, wearing little rubber boots, and all I could do was imagine B sitting there, enjoying a lunch date with Grandma Lois. It's those moments that can literally take my breath away and change the course of my day, emotionally. The pain surfaced and hovered there for the remainder of the day. Another unexpected moment came this evening when we made a trip out to Target. I ventured into the Easter aisle, and once again I found myself having shortness of breath - I just had to get out of there. Thomas the Train, coloring books, Little People, tub toys, monster trucks, and lots and lots of chocolate (pronounced with long O's as B would say). Some of these items reminded me of what we either bought or were going to buy for B last year - sigh - here's a moment I'm kicking and screaming, "It's just not fair."

What makes me sad is that by protecting myself from the pain, I try and distract my mind from reminding me of what I'm missing, my son. I tend to feel selfish in the fact that I'm trying to shoo away Braden moments just to keep from feeling the intense pain. AND that I even put Braden and the word pain in the same just doesn't feel right....but then again, what does in this entire process? Grief and the endless boundaries....I wish we knew where one point ended and another began........


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think of you so often and wish you peace.

7:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your rough day yesterday. I wish i could have been there to give you a big hug. Thinking of you today and always....

3:43 PM  
Blogger Charlotte said...

Holding you in heart and prayer and asking Jesus to hold you and your family close to His heart.

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steph - I think of all of you so often and wish you strength and peace. Thanks for the frequent updates and this journey of yours.


10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too was thinking the same thing during lunch and wanted so much to have been sat somewhere else. Thank you so much for your blog as I find myself reading it each day and am amazed at what a strong and amazing woman you are!

12:48 PM  

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