Baby Braden Petska

Monday, March 01, 2010

"March"ing along......

Dear March,
I'm still unsure on how you "fit" into our lives as you are a place in time where Braden's last moments were lived and yet it's the time when he left this earth way too soon. I've tried to come up with ways over Braden's short life to pause time or even stop it, so we could embrace the time in his life where he grew so incredibly quickly. Even on "that" night and many nights after, we begged to go back and even pleaded with God to bring him back to us. We begged to no avail, as it is not humanly possible to accomplish these tasks. As a mother, you're desperate to do anything to get your child back even though you know in your mind it's not possible. Oh, March, how I dreaded you for months and even though you lurked in the distance, I didn't know you could consume us once again like you did just a year ago. All day I knew it was the first of March and yet it wasn't until I had to write the first check out did it really sink in. In past posts, I've spoken about the moments I'm able to "live" through and the moments that catch me by surprise. I heard a mourning dove this morning, the first time since winter came. It flooded my mind with Braden quotes, "It's a mourning dove - sounds like an owl," just like it flooded my eyes with tears. Oh how those moments can just take you by surprise. I put on a pair of tennis shoes tonight - ones I had to dig out of the closet - the only thought I had when I put them on was, the last time I wore these Braden was still alive. Who has ever wanted to hug a pair of tennis shoes? Oh my, these moments are mommy moments...mommy moments when she misses her son so incredibly much she would do just about anything to feel his presence again. Oh March, what shall we do with you...the year mark is quickly approaching...please be kind to our hearts.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Steph - My heart just aches for you, Rich and your families. Your pictures of Braden from the last post are beautiful - he looks so happy and healthy. It really is just so unfair, my friend. I pray that you find that "key" and the strength to get through the coming days and weeks that will be tough ones. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steph, I wish I could take away all the pain that you guys have endured and bring back your little B. It breaks my heart every post I read of yours, every picture I see and every story you share. It is a loss that is unimaginable. It still doesn't seem real....You shouldn't be these parents experiencing what you are going through. I hope that you are able to find the strength to get through another tough road ahead. You and Rich are so strong and need to lean on one another! Love you Steph! Jodi

8:09 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

I started this many times and pitched it as it seemed so trivial. There isn't anything I can say or do to take away the pain, ache and void you have in your hearts. Peace has been elusive up to this point, and my hope is that all the love that surrounds you will help you find the peace you so need. My hope is all the memories of shared times with Braden that pierce and bring you tears, will eventually be gentle and fill the void. Thank you for sharing your inner self. May that also help with your healing. Keeping you in my prayers, thoughts and the beautiful healing light. Lil Braden will never be forgotten. xoxoxo

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Steph,

Please know that there are many people praying for your family and remembering Braden...even people like me who only know your story from afar. I think of you often and pray for you and your family. No parent should have to go through what you and Rich have experienced. Someday, when you are with Braden again, hopefully this will all make sense. Until that day, I wish you peace.

Melissa Laughlin

10:16 AM  

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