Sweet Memories of You

Dear B,
Yesterday was a pretty big day for us and it started out great with the sun shining brightly on our faces. About a month or so ago, we were contacted by the Brigg's and Al Team at Children's asking if they could come do a story on you, your life, and how much CHW made an impact on your life. We were tickled. How could we ever turn down an opportunity to talk about our own little miracle? So much of our heartache has been the inability to share your life like we used to. As the day drew near, I looked around the house trying to come up with the best way to share your story, honor you, and let the world see you through our eyes. Honestly, where do I begin? It is evident, you are present all over this house. From the photographs and videos, to your guitar and Johny Cash hat, to your favorite books, closet of toys, your room (now Owen's)then and now, your teddy bear, the quilt with all your clothing sewn together to the welcome home sign still hanging in the garage. Thank goodness for editing right? As the interview progressed, I hadn't been aware of how much I have missed that part of our lives - the heart world, the hospital world, the doctors, nurses. You might not have liked the clinic visits as much, but your daddy and I sure did. It was our chance to show how much you've grown, how much you could do, how funny you were, and what big hopes there were for you and your future. Sigh - there's so much of you we miss - everyday something new.

Owen is getting so big - he tries to bark back at the dog when he plays with Jimminy. He's finally starting to get the hang of rolling - he's just content to sit and play :) I read him your favorite ABC book last night. I got to some of your favorite parts and read it like I used to read it to you. The hardest part was when I got to the letter B - I just couldn't personalize that part anymore. I look into his eyes and as much as he melts my heart, it hurts knowing you can't share these same moments with us as his big brother.

What does a hug from heaven feel like? Can you help me with this?
Keeping you close to our hearts,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
I'm not sure where I am with my grief right now. I guess a reprieve from the heavy pain would be a pretty good description. I'm not sure if I "like" this place I'm in as it's a place I analyze the grief so much more and question why I feel "good" or somewhat okay. I've read and have been told to not feel guilty when you're at the peak and not the valley, when the mud is thinner vs thicker, when the gloom and emptiness isn't present all the time. It's like a "break" from the grief. I've been told to embrace it as it's truly just that - a "break." You would think anyone would want that reprieve right? Oddly enough, once I'm "here", I don't feel as close to B and his memories - they're not as clear, as sharp, and I find myself forgetting moments that were once apart of my everyday routine. It's frustrating as I question, "Is there a happy medium?" Can the pain and laughter co-exist? Can the tears and smiles be worn on the same face? Deep down, I know the answer....it's just getting to where I can wear that answer on my heart and feel it for myself.

Yesterday's interview with Children's allowed us to re-visit some paths of Braden's life we don't get to visit or share as much anymore. It felt good to talk about the hope that was once provided to so many heart families and see that our B still "lives" and shines through all the special moments and memories we share of him. I couldn't help but look at my little "O" and see the hope that he has been providing to so many. I feel that we are able to love Owen all the more because of the love we had/have for Braden. Pastor Lynn recently wrote to us stating, "The same love that breaks our heart is the very love that makes it keep beating." How very true. Our hearts sure have taken a beating - feeling the intense emotion of love and pain all at once can surely be defining in one's life.

Still trying so hard to figure out where I'm at on this path....thanks again for muddling through so many of my random thoughts.

Stephanie

P.S. I would like to take this opportunity to share with you that the Wallace Family will be hosting a fundraiser for the Playroom of Hope. Once it is built, the Playroom will be a place where patients and families can go during their hospital stay at CHW. We met the Wallace family shortly after their daughter, Nevaeh, passed away with the same heart condition that B had. We have been a great support system for each other during these tough, tough times. Nevaeh would have been two this Valentine's Day, so it is a very special day indeed! The fundraiser will take place on Valentine's day in Madison - It will be a day filled with fun activities for kids along with a luncheon, raffle prizes, and a silent auction. You can get more info about the event on the following website: www.partyfortheplayroom.com