Baby Braden Petska

Monday, January 18, 2010

Sweet Memories of You






















Dear B,
Yesterday was a pretty big day for us and it started out great with the sun shining brightly on our faces. About a month or so ago, we were contacted by the Brigg's and Al Team at Children's asking if they could come do a story on you, your life, and how much CHW made an impact on your life. We were tickled. How could we ever turn down an opportunity to talk about our own little miracle? So much of our heartache has been the inability to share your life like we used to. As the day drew near, I looked around the house trying to come up with the best way to share your story, honor you, and let the world see you through our eyes. Honestly, where do I begin? It is evident, you are present all over this house. From the photographs and videos, to your guitar and Johny Cash hat, to your favorite books, closet of toys, your room (now Owen's)then and now, your teddy bear, the quilt with all your clothing sewn together to the welcome home sign still hanging in the garage. Thank goodness for editing right? As the interview progressed, I hadn't been aware of how much I have missed that part of our lives - the heart world, the hospital world, the doctors, nurses. You might not have liked the clinic visits as much, but your daddy and I sure did. It was our chance to show how much you've grown, how much you could do, how funny you were, and what big hopes there were for you and your future. Sigh - there's so much of you we miss - everyday something new.

Owen is getting so big - he tries to bark back at the dog when he plays with Jimminy. He's finally starting to get the hang of rolling - he's just content to sit and play :) I read him your favorite ABC book last night. I got to some of your favorite parts and read it like I used to read it to you. The hardest part was when I got to the letter B - I just couldn't personalize that part anymore. I look into his eyes and as much as he melts my heart, it hurts knowing you can't share these same moments with us as his big brother.

What does a hug from heaven feel like? Can you help me with this?
Keeping you close to our hearts,
Your Mama

Dear Bloggers,
I'm not sure where I am with my grief right now. I guess a reprieve from the heavy pain would be a pretty good description. I'm not sure if I "like" this place I'm in as it's a place I analyze the grief so much more and question why I feel "good" or somewhat okay. I've read and have been told to not feel guilty when you're at the peak and not the valley, when the mud is thinner vs thicker, when the gloom and emptiness isn't present all the time. It's like a "break" from the grief. I've been told to embrace it as it's truly just that - a "break." You would think anyone would want that reprieve right? Oddly enough, once I'm "here", I don't feel as close to B and his memories - they're not as clear, as sharp, and I find myself forgetting moments that were once apart of my everyday routine. It's frustrating as I question, "Is there a happy medium?" Can the pain and laughter co-exist? Can the tears and smiles be worn on the same face? Deep down, I know the answer....it's just getting to where I can wear that answer on my heart and feel it for myself.

Yesterday's interview with Children's allowed us to re-visit some paths of Braden's life we don't get to visit or share as much anymore. It felt good to talk about the hope that was once provided to so many heart families and see that our B still "lives" and shines through all the special moments and memories we share of him. I couldn't help but look at my little "O" and see the hope that he has been providing to so many. I feel that we are able to love Owen all the more because of the love we had/have for Braden. Pastor Lynn recently wrote to us stating, "The same love that breaks our heart is the very love that makes it keep beating." How very true. Our hearts sure have taken a beating - feeling the intense emotion of love and pain all at once can surely be defining in one's life.

Still trying so hard to figure out where I'm at on this path....thanks again for muddling through so many of my random thoughts.

Stephanie

P.S. I would like to take this opportunity to share with you that the Wallace Family will be hosting a fundraiser for the Playroom of Hope. Once it is built, the Playroom will be a place where patients and families can go during their hospital stay at CHW. We met the Wallace family shortly after their daughter, Nevaeh, passed away with the same heart condition that B had. We have been a great support system for each other during these tough, tough times. Nevaeh would have been two this Valentine's Day, so it is a very special day indeed! The fundraiser will take place on Valentine's day in Madison - It will be a day filled with fun activities for kids along with a luncheon, raffle prizes, and a silent auction. You can get more info about the event on the following website: www.partyfortheplayroom.com

44 Comments:

Anonymous Ceida said...

Dear Stephanie,

Once again, reading your sweet words makes my heart ache more than you'll ever know. One thing to always keep in mind: no one will EVER forget about Braden; not even strangers to him, like myself. He lit up your world and although he was only here for a few seasons, most importantly, he was here for a reason.

You are always on my mind, Stephanie.

With love, thoughts, and prayers.


Ceida

5:40 PM  
Blogger Mend a Heart said...

Stephanie -

Thanks for sharing your grieving process with us. It breaks my heart what you have had to endure -- so unfair. I pray that you find that happy medium place that you'll be content with and Braden showers you with hugs from above. We think of you and Rich and Braden often. Braden's memory will always live on and I'm so glad you got to share his story and revisit CHW. It is such a special place. Love the photo of Braden that you posted -- what joy. The pictures of Owen from the previous post are darling too -- he's a beauty.

Stay strong!
Bridget

12:14 AM  
Blogger Pat said...

Stephanie, Rich and Owen,

You talked of the sharing of random thoughts, although they don't seem random from this end. They feel very deep filled with love and hurt. My hope is that you will find the balance you need to find peace for your souls. It is my believe that Braden hugs you on a regular basis, ie the bird's nest in the tree, anytime you see a cardinal, the heart stone and others. Let all the things that remind you of B, wrap you with love and healing light. Braden will forever be in our thoughts. Take care, oxoxoxo

9:34 PM  
Blogger Jer, Kari, Alayna-Maria said...

Steph, when I need a jarring back to what is important, this is the place I like to come and check in.

I felt so much what you were saying about the hospital piece, and how you must miss so much that family too.

I am SO GLAD you got to do the piece about Braden. I can't wait to see it.

We are all here, still checking in and remembering. Please take your reprieve, and remember it is a process and even feeling a lift of the fog can bring in some light that burns our eyes at first.
Until we adjust again.

Thank you for checking in with me this week.

Kari

10:25 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

Rich and Steph
What a precious picture of B. I don't think I have ever seen that one. I love it and I have already saved it to my slide show. Would you please make sure you post when and where the Briggs and Al article is posted? I am so glad you are getting to share him with so many more people. Thanks for still sahring. Love you guys! Pam

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