Driving in Reverse.....

What is it that makes our mind wander back to a place in time just by the smell of a new season, a certain perfume, or the way a room looks or feels? Why does the first snowfall put that little flutter inside of us and move us into the Christmas spirit instantly? What is it about the smell of fall and the sight of colorful leaves that makes us crave apple cider, cinnamon donuts, and a pumpkin farm? What is it about the smell of spring that fast forwards our mind to a warm summer's night with the crickets chirping and the fresh breeze blowing through an open window? It's amazing how much our senses directly connect to our emotions. Unfortunately as most embrace this time of year, I'm bracing, holding back, gripping my seat for the worst. There have already been glimpses of that raw, painful gut feeling I had for so long that just lingered for months - the emptiness, longing, shattered hope, brokenness, and the intense feeling of loss - so intense you feel like you can't breath at times, so intense you feel like it takes every bit of energy to just move one step forward. Those glimpses can be so powerful and can be triggered by the littlest things - zipping Owen's coat, getting out the stroller, making dinner, running the bath water, finding a sock, a commercial on TV - you name it, B and his reminded absence is everywhere. How can those feelings be brought back in an instant? sigh...they're here....they're back and I'm not sure how long they will stay.....sigh....big deep sigh.....