Baby Braden Petska

Monday, March 08, 2010

Driving in Reverse.....

What is it that makes our mind wander back to a place in time just by the smell of a new season, a certain perfume, or the way a room looks or feels? Why does the first snowfall put that little flutter inside of us and move us into the Christmas spirit instantly? What is it about the smell of fall and the sight of colorful leaves that makes us crave apple cider, cinnamon donuts, and a pumpkin farm? What is it about the smell of spring that fast forwards our mind to a warm summer's night with the crickets chirping and the fresh breeze blowing through an open window? It's amazing how much our senses directly connect to our emotions. Unfortunately as most embrace this time of year, I'm bracing, holding back, gripping my seat for the worst. There have already been glimpses of that raw, painful gut feeling I had for so long that just lingered for months - the emptiness, longing, shattered hope, brokenness, and the intense feeling of loss - so intense you feel like you can't breath at times, so intense you feel like it takes every bit of energy to just move one step forward. Those glimpses can be so powerful and can be triggered by the littlest things - zipping Owen's coat, getting out the stroller, making dinner, running the bath water, finding a sock, a commercial on TV - you name it, B and his reminded absence is everywhere. How can those feelings be brought back in an instant? sigh...they're here....they're back and I'm not sure how long they will stay.....sigh....big deep sigh.....


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang on Steph, you will get through this. It may not seem like it now but someday things will be better. Hang on for Owen, hang on for Rich but most of all hang on for yourself. Braden wouldn't want his Mama to be so sad; he wants Owen to have the best of you just like he did.

1:02 PM  
Anonymous Ceida said...

Dear Stephanie,
Oh dear, you are one of the sweetest people I've ever had the chance to meet, and yet you're the one who's going through all this.. It's incredibly unfortunate and unfair that it's you having to live like this, and my heart swells with emotion everytime that I log in to check up on you. There isn't much that I can do but support you through this hardship. Your family is always in my thoughts and prayers, and please know that there are so many lives that Braden touched. He was an incredible young boy.. and I could tell by the way he lit world.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Ceida Elizarraraz

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are in my thoughts, Steph. Lots of love and good thoughts coming your way from the Berkshires.

Love...Jenny xo

3:58 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

As heart wrenching as your sharing is, there is beauty in your words and they are so powerful. It amazes me that through all of your pain you are able to reach down and find the strength and courage to do what you do for all of us. Your grace shines when you put your sorrow to pen and paper. May the ache in your heart lessen and someday find the peace you so desperately search for. huggggggggs

8:38 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home